Don't Tell the Bride- Men are not hapless and bromance is real

I love Don't Tell the Bride. Not because I believe, 'Only the bravest of brides would let their groom organise the biggest day of their life', but because it shows that men are perfectly capable of both organising and of loving, and the bromances are a welcome counterpoise to masculinity.

It is not the biggest day of a woman's life. Women are more than one day with a special dress and our lives defined by a man promising to care for us for life. Look at your bucket list for the most important days of your life. Getting married should never feel like an achievement, although the splurge of weddings as women reach 30 makes me feel for many it still is.

Image is tied intricately into weddings. The brides-to-be worry about the details- the colour scheme, the transport, the cloth on the back of a chair, whereas the males either just want a big celebration or something symbolising the wedding. The narrator usually mocks the men for not knowing the details but they have never been trained to care about the details. Men are seen as participants of the wedding rather than an equal player within in it. When the task is handed to them they manage.

The men manage. They are human so they can plan and organise. So they can plan and organise a wedding. They should be praised for doing it in three weeks, but not for having the key skills required. The majority of the couples on the show are traditional- the woman is in charge of all things home and in return, the men are fed and ironed. Society does a diservice to men in the idea that they cannot cope unless for work purposes when they suddenly become capable bosses. I believe this partly comes from women testing out their caring abilities on men before becoming a parent, partly from society putting pressure on women to prove themselves as a 'good wife' and partly from men coming home and not wanting to think after work. It's not fair to take responsibilities and tasks away from men.

The men sometimes do and sometimes don't care about these small things. They sometimes put more into the day that they like. They often plan their brides Hen Do at the bingo or a restaurant whilst they go on a wild night out or go abroad. Many go for what will feel good for them or will be fun. When women plan the wedding the husband is rarely consulted but the plan is often around what should be done or will be expected from family and guests. I wish more women would plan their weddings around fun or what feels good to them.

The men often create the day around something memorable and symbolic. I don't know if it's because of the show but there seems to be a movement towards this, with both partners involved. This is only a positive step if it is not playing into image, of needing to prove a uniqueness, of the idea that the day and couple are being judged more than celebrated.

The episodes start with gender stereotypes which we see are false. They also inadvertently show that masculinity includes loving, and includes bromance. The men cry and show their love for their future wives, and also for their best mates. The friendships are tactile and caring and lovely to watch. We all know there is a life commitment in friendships but often men are shamed in showing this.

The programme is great on a number of levels. It begins superficially but becomes a positive indictment of men's abilities and care. Whatever the wives thought was important never is, they realise the little things don't matter as much as being back together and giving the equal declaration of their love and hope to be together for life. That's why 'Don't tell the Bride' gets me every time.

#Identity #marriage #masculinity